


Of Alter Egos and Personas

by blushinglily



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Drama, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Viktor and Yuuri begin living in Russia, character introspection, hints of anxiety, post!series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 17:58:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9618830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blushinglily/pseuds/blushinglily
Summary: 'Eros only exists on the ice; outside of it, merely a figment of their imagination.'Yuuri finds out the hard way that the fallibility of his relationship with Viktor is, perilously, but one step behind his happiness and contentment.Post!series / One-shot / Character introspection





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was an idea that came to me a couple of weeks ago, and it just sort of rattled inside my head until I needed to get it out. All in all, I hope you guys enjoy it!

* * *

_After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.'_ \- Spock (Star Trek)

* * *

A couple of blocks from the Fontanka River is a handsome apartment complex that Yuuri has had his eye on for a while. The units were clean and newly renovated with polished, mahogany flooring and model heaters, a full kitchen and living room, as well as a washing machine and dryer. The rent was about 67,000 rubles every month, including all utilities, with the exception of internet. Pets were allowed, and there was a huge park right next to it where Makkachin could run around and get his daily exercise.

It wasn't too far from Viktor's home rink, and along the way, there were a lot of restaurants and eateries that Yuuri was particularly curious to try. There was also a bus stop nearby, as well as a gym, which would especially be useful for when the winter months descend on them, and he won't be able to jog outside due to the danger of slipping on black ice.

All in all, it was the perfect place for him and Viktor.

Taking a sip of his coffee, he scrolled through his phone to see the various screenshots of the available rooms, his eyes thoughtful. The living room was spacious, and the kitchen came with a new refrigerator and working stove, he observed, his mouth stretching in an uneasy smile. The bedroom window had a wonderful view of the area; the Yuletide lights will look marvelous, once they lit up the night. He couldn't ask for a better deal than this, wouldn't know if he could even find one anywhere else.

His gaze became unreadable for a moment, before he abruptly looked away from the phone, staring at the large fountain in front of him instead.

There weren't that many people in the park today, the light caress of the wind playing with his hair as he took in the scenery with heartfelt appreciation. It was September, and the leaves on the trees displayed a brilliant, orange color, and the scent of wet grass after a hearty rainfall made the landscape look like a sort of faerieland, the way the moisture made the greenery shimmer and twinkle. It was quiet, with only the birds and occasional squirrels darting about, a passerby periodically walking past him nonchalantly.

If he could, he wouldn't have minded staying in this place for awhile longer, breathing in the clean air, drifting off to sleep in soothing unconsciousness, surrounded by greenery.

It was a timely distraction, one he was utterly grateful for, if only for a moment, a chance for his mind to wander away from the grueling muck of his thoughts while his thumb hovered over his phone, unable to scroll any further, his fingers lightly shaking in apprehension, building up since the idea first presented itself. He took off his glasses and set them to the side, leaning back against the bench as he took a deep breath, lifting his head towards the drifting clouds while his eyes darkened with unease, his heart pounding in his chest.

The coffee in his hand forgotten, he dazedly placed it to the side right next to his glasses, biting his lip in contemplation.

He couldn't help but chuckle, a hint of cynicism coating his voice. Leave it to him to tarnish the admiration he'd felt; maybe tomorrow, he could actually enjoy walking around the park without getting too dramatic. But he's been pushing it off for too long now, denying himself, as he had always done, the time to mull over it, to turn the subject inside his head this way and that, inspecting every facet of the intention until he's divulged into any and all possibilities, covering all his bases. Thinking about it now, facing the truth was never the hard part, but what came _after_ it.

It wasn't that he didn't want to live with Viktor, because on the contrary, he's never been so sure of anything else in his life, at least that's what he _believed_ , but this. The conviction laid inside his stomach like a dead weight, sure of its place. Nevertheless, the reality was never so simple, and it's not a matter of wanting or not wanting, not anymore...or if it was ever even like that in the first place.

But it would be ridiculously cruel to himself, and though it may not be worth mentioning, to this lovely park as well, should he choose _now_ of all times to lie to himself, the question burning in his mind, as if it were searing itself to the very confines of his memory, unable to outrun the words, glowing like a funeral pyre while he ran for his life inside his brain.

_Could he live with Viktor? Does he have the strength and patience to do it?_

For all the love he felt towards the man...for all the admiration and esteem and respect and reverence he felt for him...for the many years he spent idolizing him like a god, though he had always known to himself that he would eventually question whether he loved the figure on the posters more or the _imperfection_ of him, for all of those things... _could he do it_?

Without warning, a dam burst inside of him, the flood waters rushing in to fill his lungs to the brim.

Viktor was lazy half the time, relying on Yuuri to make all their meals. He never takes out the garbage or cleans the bathroom, or sweeps the floors. His tastes were inexplicably _grandiose_ , too much for him to take at times. He lived like a blockbuster celebrity, the paparazzi always hot on his trails like little chicks. He was often a tad bit too forward on those occasions when professionalism was more appropriate, and he had an annoying tendency to spout out private details about their life together to the media.

When he was drunk, he tended to fall asleep loudly, snoring the night away, which would often keep _him_ up all night. His whining was incessant when he would catch him in a foul mood, which happened rarely, but when it _does_ happen...

He was mercilessly _blunt_ , even when he knew how much his words could pierce Yuuri's heart like a thousand daggers, as if it were digging into the caverns of his vitality to drain out all his blood, much more than his sometimes cold eyes ever could. For someone like him who grew up understanding that the slightest difference in a person's glance can mean either approval or disappointment, had been taught all his life how to read the social cues of a rigid, _Japanese_ , high-context society, candor and straightforwardness were his natural enemies.

Viktor felt things _too_ passionately at times, and it would be a lie if he didn't feel that some part of him was afraid that one day, Viktor's ardent love for him could become hate, smoldering just as intensely. And like a cycle that never ended, turning one after another at a dizzying speed, he speculated whether it would have been better to admire him from afar all that they have been through, rather than feel and know and _relish_ that impassioned gaze on him many a time.

Of course, he wasn't without his own faults either. He was just as imperfect... _hideously_ so.

 _'Would Eros care about something like this?'_ he asked himself, bringing a finger to his lips, his eyes narrowing at nowhere in particular. But even as he begged the question, he couldn't but shake his head internally, knowing decisively that the query that sprouted out of the oblivion inside his head had already answered itself.

_Eros would care more about the persuasion--the **seduction** \--leading to the current prospect, rather than the end result--no, no...that was the wrong word. Rather...the continuity of it, long after the initial hurdle of ensnaring the target has been achieved._

_After all, Eros existed solely for the chase of his lovers...right?_

Yuuri let out a long, tired sigh, hanging his head. Therein lies his problem, alas. _Eros only existed on the ice; outside of it, merely a figment of their imagination._

"A penny for your thoughts?" a voice came from out of nowhere, sounding amused. Yuuri stared at the figure standing before him, while he felt something bump itself on his knee. Breaking out of his reverie, he looked down just in time to see Makkachin gazing up at him, his dark eyes filled with glee and excitement, his tongue hanging out, the perfect picture of an obedient and well-behaved dog.

Yuuri let out a small smile, ruffling the big oaf's mane, placing a small kiss on the top of the animal's head. "I feel like I would be the one owing you something if I spill my heart out right now."

Viktor laughed out loud, his voice utterly goofy. "Then in which case, this one's on the house," he replied back cheerfully, making sure to take the other man's glasses and cup of coffee and moving it away as he sat down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

"What's on your mind?" the silver-haired man asked more gently this time, coaxing him.

"...that you can be a handful at times, for one."

Viktor snickered at the sassy tone of his lover's voice, finding his lack of hesitation in saying what's going on inside his brain refreshing...and somewhat surprising. "For someone such as myself who lives to surprise the audience, unfortunately I have some unoriginal material too."

It was Yuuri's turn to laugh at that point, bringing a hand to stifle his giggles as Makkachin wagged his tail, blissfully happy at the sight at seeing his humans delighted and content. Receiving such an answer like that, Yuuri wondered to himself how he could _not_ at least give it a try, for its own sake. There was no harm in it, after all.

Even if the setting was all _wrong_ ; he had gained a couple of pounds (it's so hard to lose weight during the autumn months), his hair was a mess, his lips were chapped, and currently, he wore a puffy jacket and beanie hat to keep out the cold. He looked like an overstuffed rice cake, if he were honest to himself, but he was willing to summon the ice inside his mind and recreate the world Eros lived in...if only to make up for his lack of confidence.

The next words that came out of his mouth were uttered in a somewhat breathless manner, a slight lilt to it that never failed to entice anyone who heard it, like a siren hypnotizing the sailors on a ship.

"There's an apartment building I was looking at close to the river..." he began, his cheeks flushed and his eyes dilated, his voice both shy and bold at the same time. It was Eros at one of his more vulnerable moments (just the right amount of equivocation was in and of itself a weapon), but the _temptation_ he played at was, as always, present. "I think it would be perfect for us..."

At this, Viktor couldn't help but grin widely, his eyes narrowing, intrigued...and cautious.

The other man smiled, pleased with himself. For _Eros_ , as Yuuri knew all too well, was nevermore excited for the chase than when the potential lover's response roamed in the realm of the unknown.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, thanks for reading!


End file.
